Protecting One's Family or Breaking a Commandment?

The Commandments tell us to honor our parents. But what if one of them is abusive? Is disconnecting from this family member in direct opposition to the Commandments? Perhaps I should explain in more detail.

I love my father, I really do. Perhaps that's why keeping my distance from him hurts so much and is the basis for my intense feelings of guilt. You see, my father is a..unique...man. You could say that his heart and temper are often at odds. Unfortunately, his temper wins out more often than not. While he would give the shirt off his back to take care of the ones he loves, he also has a tendency to batter them, both physically and emotionally. And though I've dealt with it all my life, and loved him regardless, having children of my own made it progressively more difficult to keep in contact.

To say that I was (and am) torn would be an enormous understatement. There is the part of me that wants my children to grow up knowing the loving and caring side of their grandfather. To see him teach them to fish and play guitar. To watch the joy and pride on his face as he sees them reach goals and grow into even more amazing children than they already are. Then there is the side of me that feels the need to protect them. Because unfortunately, that good also comes with a horrendous bad side, filled with manipulativeness, hostility, and scorn.

When the kids were first born, we really tried to keep him involved and to encourage his good side. We'd tip-toe around the bad side and try to keep it at bay so that the children could grow up knowing, loving, and enjoying their time with him. That lasted until our youngest child was about 6 months old. Then due to, what seemed to the rest of us who were there, a small misunderstanding -- well, he went off the deep end. He came after me physically, right in front of them. While he managed to stop himself before actually hitting me, it really drove home the possible danger I was subjecting my children to. Even if he never actually hit me or one of them, what kind of role model would he be? My husband and I talked and cried together for quite some time over the matter. We finally came to the decision that we had to stop the cycle of abuse in the family with this generation. We vowed that we would do our best to keep them from seeing this type of behavior, but most importantly, we were going to protect them from becoming victims of it.

That meant that they would no longer be able to be around him. And of course, that also meant they'd never get to see the good things about him either. They were young enough then that they don't even remember him -- which is at once comforting and heart breaking. At least I know they don't remember that awful day, and weren't subject to the repercussions of the mental abuse that I still struggle to overcome.

It has been at least 6 years now since we've had any real contact with him. He or my step-mother will send an occasional card or letter. Sometimes they simply tell us they miss us, other times it's a terrible guilt trip reminding me of what a horrible person I am to keep him from witnessing his grandchildren grow up. I never reply. And as a result, he can't possibly know how much it hurts me to not have him in my life. As difficult as it is to deal with all the bad times, I really miss the good side of him. It breaks my heart to know that the kids will never know that side. I think of how I would feel if I never got to see my own children grow up & I just break down.

Now, you're probably wondering why I don't try to talk it out with him, right? Why wouldn't I tell him why we've been keeping him at a distance and try to find a way that he could be involved in our lives without the abuse? That's where the whole situation gets extra tricky, and where the weight of responsibility for my family's safety all but crushes me. You see, my father deals with chronic depression, along with some other chemical imbalances. He's threatened suicide many times in the past, and his best friend killed himself a few years back. It's a bit tough to explain, but as long as he remains angry at a person, he doesn't have to take any responsibility onto himself. As soon as he has to realize that something painful is his fault, he either violently denies it and lashes out...or he falls even deeper into depression and the possibility of suicide exponentially increases.

While I know most councilors would tell me that his suicide would not be my fault, that it would be the result of his inability to deal with emotional stress combined with his chemical imbalances, I would never be able to forgive myself if something I'd done was the catalyst that put him over the edge. So, while it is immensely painful for me to be completely disconnected from him, I also feel it is necessary for both our children's' safety, as well as his own.

Is this disobedience to the fifth Commandment? Is there a solution that my husband and I have overlooked? I suppose it would also be helpful to mention that my father now lives on the other side of the country. He said that if his children no longer wanted anything to do with him, there was no reason to stay nearby. Can we say 'adding insult to injury'?

The point is that I lead my life overshadowed by the guilt and pain that this decision has left in my life. But I fear that not making this choice would have left me with more of the same, coupled with the possibility of endangering my children as well. But if this decision is in violation of God's law.... well, I just don't know what else to do.